Mother's Day

This is a hard day for me, little one.

You see, I am in a strange in between. My mother, your Lola, is no longer here on Earth, and you, my child, are, but not yet in my arms. So I am a woman with no mother who is still yet to be one. So what does Mother's Day mean to me?

It means a great deal. But it does point to a place that is difficult for me to process; a place of simultaneously full and empty; I know in my heart that you are close to me, but like your Lola, you exist in in a place of intangible faith. I cannot see your faces, hear your voices, or hold your hands. And that hurts.

Yet, every time I start to descend into a place of deep sadness, something in the universe happens to pull me out.

On Saturday Daddy and I went to Ala Moana, a place where your Lola and I spent a great deal of time. As I walked around doing my errands I couldn't help but think of her. And you. I wondered where you both were, and my heart twinged at every sighting of a mother and child; it seemed the mall was filled with them that day.

Then, all of a sudden, I ran into a former student of mine. She's training to be a teacher, too. She smiled widely and said, "Happy Early Mother's Day!"

I wasn't sure how she meant it--it was Saturday, the day before Mother's Day, and she might have meant it that way. She's a Facebook friend, so she might know we're adopting, so she might have meant early in that sense. Either way, she said exactly the words I needed to hear.

There are so many things swirling in my head while I wait for you. There is a part of me that is still in disbelief that I will ever be a mother. There is a part of me that knows I am. There is a part of me that worries I have not been a good enough person to deserve it. But I know that's not true.

I am so sorry, little one. I am so sorry that your Lola will not be here to hold you and play with you. I am sorry that she will not be here to tell you stories and sing to you and teach you Tagalog. I am sorry you will never taste her fried rice. I wanted so badly for you to know her.

You are not even with me physically and I am already worried about disappointing you. About not doing this right.

I guess I am a mother--your mother--after all.